Dubious Moments in Religious History

by Ken Bell 

Buddhism  

A cursory glance at Buddhism would suggest that the religion founded by a happy-go-lucky hobo prince, which (contrary to common sense) places spiritual enlightenment above worldly possessions, has a squeaky clean past. A little too clean, if you ask me. There’s something going on here, and I intend to uncover Buddhism’s dirty secret, if it’s the last thing I do. What about Nazi collaboration? Bah! There’s nothing there. How about all the monk burning and Junta bashing? Surely that reveals a hidden, sinister violent streak? Although they are usually just standing up for the meek and downtrodden. Bastards! They’re always one step ahead. Mark my words, I’ll find their dirty little secret, so help me God, I’ll find it if it’s the last thing I do.

 the Catholic Church - Hitler connection

 While the link between Buddhism and Nazi Germany is tenuous at best, the same cannot be said for the Catholic Church, whose links with the Nazis and indifference towards the Holocaust are both alarming and shameful. Under the leadership of Pope Pius XII, the Church’s response to the Holocaust was to turn a blind eye to the mass slaughter of Jews and Gypsies, with the Pope privately describing the situation as ‘win-win’ (well, not really – but). It wasn’t until the allies looked like winning the war that the Church started publicly denouncing the Holocaust, on occasion even going so far as to offer sanctuary to a number of Jews fleeing persecution. However the links don’t end there. The Nazi Heirachy (both in terms of structure and use of uniforms) is based on the Catholic Church. Hitler was a Catholic, Mein Kampf was edited by a Catholic priest, and finally the current Pope Joe Ratzinger was a member of the Hitler Youth. Jesus.

The Dark Ages 

Believe it or not, there was a 500 year period that we now refer to as the Dark Ages, where the progression of the Human Race simply stopped. Philosophy, language, art, construction, and especially science all remained basically unchanged for half a millennium. This is due in no small part to the fact that the Church was in charge, and took to burning anyone who formed a new idea, all the while controlling a monopoly on reading and writing. Because of the Church and their stubborn insistence that the Earth was flat, we’re 500 years behind where we should be. We should be at war with the Klingons, not the Iraqis. Planet of the Apes should have been a historical documentary; the world’s food problems should have already been solved with replicator technology; and cyborgs should have been mass produced, become self aware, and enslaved humanity by now. Every time I have to catch a train instead of a transporter beam, use my arms instead of The Force, or eat chips instead of Soylent Green, I almost choke to death on my own rage. Thanks Religion.

 Church of England 

The Church of England was founded for the sole purpose of allowing King Henry VIII to slut around the country impregnating as many women as possible, and legally ‘divorcing’ them if they gave birth to a daughter. He also proclaimed himself the head of the Church, and assumed control over huge tracts of Church land. Can you imagine the cajones on this guy? To not only consider making your own ‘beheadding-friendly’ Church, but to actually go through with it. As a result of the actions of this pissed up man-whore, North Ireland is still a divided warzone, the divorce rate in the western world is close to 50%, and guilt free masturbation…actually, thanks for that Henry.

Partition of India

The Partition of India followed the removal of British rule in India, with the Hindu and Muslim population deciding that they couldn’t possibly live in harmony, choosing instead to split the country into Muslim Pakistan, and Hindu India. Over 7 million Muslims and 7 million Hindis made the journey to/from India to/from Pakistan, with roughly 500,000 being slaughtered when they met in the middle. The tension that was created during this time remains today, with both countries armed to the teeth with nuclear weaopns. And I for one blame Ghandi. If it weren’t for his peaceful protest to oust the British, the brutal Brits would have remained in charge, India and Pakistan would still be one, neither would have nuclear weapons, and Sourav Ganguly and Mohammad Yousuf could have been the greatest batting combination in the history of test cricket. If only Ghandi had eaten a pear or two, this whole nightmare could have been avoided.

The Crusades 

Muslim rule of the Holy lands was something up with which the Church would not put. Accordingly Pope Urban II called for a crusade to reclaim Jerusalem. The Christian crusaders cut a swath through the Middle-East, killing hundreds of thousands of Muslim men women and children. At every stage during the crusade, they made sure to take time out to kill any Jewish passers by, usually by locking them into Synagogues and setting them ablaze. However after four long years, the horrors of war began to take their toll, and with countless Christians dead, the Crusaders returned home. The atrocities committed during the First Crusade by both sides were so horrific in fact, that the Christians only went back 9 times more, including once with an army of children. Nice.